If I hear the ‘K’ word one more time I will literally stab my eyeballs out with with the pointy bone end of my dog’s lamb chop.
SERIOUSLY.
How many times do we need to hear about the Kardashians? The mere mention of the name alone, for me, is enough to induce the instantaneous onset of nausea and the immediate need to reach for a bucket.
The fact that this family single-handedly dominates the news and world affairs on a continual basis, when globally, our world is in turmoil, is a frightening prospect indeed.
Ask a fourteen year old girl who our newly appointed Prime Minister is and she’ll look at you with a blank stare followed by a very long double blink. Ask her what Kim Kardashian wore to the MTV VMAs and watch her come alive with excitement and animation. She’ll tell you who Kim’s designer was, where the accessories were sourced from, and the exact name and shade of nailpolish she wore.
The market is K saturated. It’s undeniable and inescapeable. They are the most famous, followed and watched family on the planet. We turn on the news, Kimye’s preggy belly is being papped. Shock horror (open mouth ghost face emoticon). We look to the magazine rack when waiting in the supermarket line, Kimye is gracing every single magazine cover with her ‘trout pout’ (because ‘duck face’ is now a thing of the past apparently). We go onto our social media, surprise surpise. Kimye has posted another selfie (which only took eight hours because she had to run the picture through fifteen facie apps to choose the most flattering filter).
We are being K plagued. Not only by Kim, but by the entire K entourage: Kanye, Kendall, Kourtney, Kylie, Khloé, Kris, Robert (father), Rob (son), Bruce/Caitlyn (yes the same person).
In case you haven’t been informed. Here’s some very important ground breaking news. Kendall Jenner recently celebrated reaching forty million followers on Instagram by posting a picture in which she revealed her nipple. Don’t get excited. Kendall is one smart cookie. She edited her pic with a red cross over her nipple so the picture adhered to Instagram’s no nips policy. Phew.
Let’s not also forget the recent picture that Kim’s two year old daughter North West ‘accidentally’ posted in her gold sequinned bikini. It was such an ‘accident’ that Kim decided to repost the pic. ‘LOL I deleted it so now reposting it myself!’ Really Kim? Do you really think we’re that gullible? Well maybe, since the photo received a measely 568.2k likes.
Then there’s dear Kris Jenner. Motherhen, and ‘momager’, to whom all good looks were bestowed and to whom her genetic procreations can be eternally thankful. Vying for the role against daughter’s, Kim, and the soon to be of legal age, Kylie, to grace the final ever issue of Playboy. Yes, I’m thinking the same as you. Taco’s for dinner?
When we look to why the Kardashians are so famous, the mind baffles. What are we, in particular, the younger generation, really aspiring to? Answer: Kim’s evergrowing one hundred million dollar empire can be attributed to a ‘leaked’ porno in 2007 featuring herself and Brandy’s brother (who no one still knows). Klassy Kim. The rest makes for the most fanciful story you have ever heard: An overly zealous mother, Kris Jenner, whose main aim in life is to make the Kardashian-Jenner girls sex symbols, a late father Robert Kardashian, who defended OJ Simpson during his murder trial in 1995, a step father (former Olympian) Bruce Jenner, whose gender dysmorphia has now been cured by virtue of ‘Caitlyn’, two totes glam step sisters Kendall and Kylie Jenner who virtually own the entire followship of Instagram, two not as hot sisters (soz Kourtney and Khloé Kardashian), a brother Rob Kardashian who rides on the krest of the female Kardashian koattails, and a husband, Kanye West, who is…well…a compass.
Confused much? Me too.
Perhaps James Samir Shamsi, ‘growth hacker’ extraordinaire, is onto something with the new invention of the #KardBlock app. An app that literally kuts the Kardashian krap from your newsfeeds. You heard right. An app that banishes the K’s from your life entirely. Don’t crack the Moët just yet. The app is still in beta form meaning it’s still being being tested. Yes, I’m bashing my head against a brick wall too.
The Kardashians are in an exclusive bubble. A world where the word mediocre is blasphemous and ceases to exist. Where money quadruples by the second, diamonds fall from the sky, and the desire to achieve and project absolute perfection at all times, is the one and only goal.
Amid my sarcasm and gross cynicism, the Kardashian’s are certainly an attractive mob who have a plethora of interesting stories to tell. I’m yet to be convinced, however, that many of their stories are ground breakingly newsworthy. Regardless, hats off (or in Kim’s case, clothes off) to this family who have achieved epic proportions of fame and money through, what in most cases, often brings one’s career to an end (or in Paris Hilton’s case, reaffirms you’re a starfish).
No matter how beautiful the K’s are, and no matter how much awesomeness and sensationalism they exude, I stand firmly by my conviction- That I will continue to never EVER watch an episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians or any of their other five hundred vacuous tv show spin offs. I have enough trouble keeping up with my own self and ten month old baby these days let alone the world’s most narcissistic family.
So, have the Kardashians done their dash? Definitely not. Far from it. I’m no psychic, but I would quietly put my Bichon Frisé on the line (sorry Napoleon) that the limelight isn’t about to dim on the Kardashian entourage anytime soon. In fact, quite the opposite. I’m tipping two crossed out nips (maybe even a blanked out cha cha) at Kendall’s fifty million followers, South West for the new baby name and Kris Jenner to appear nakey nakes on the cover of Playboy. We know you want to Kris.
From the koolest and kraziest K’s on the planet to a far less kooler K. I’m signing off. An article on Kris Jenner’s Great Gatsby themed 60th birthday bash is breaking news. Ultra sharp lamb chop bones- COME AT ME. IMMEDIATELY.
K x
KatherynBlewett 